Fresh Baked

Monday, January 31, 2005

Pole in Heart

The January album loves you. Wouldn't you like to love it, too?

What Would You Say to Me-- Mary Chapin Carpenter
If I Were You-- Kasey Chambers
The World's Not Falling Apart- Dar Williams
Galileo-- Indigo Girls
Something Pretty-- Patrick Park
Rough Around the Edges-- Teitur
Obscurity Knocks-- Trashcan Sinatras
Truth Hurts-- The Honeymoon
Something Else-- Gary Jules
Lay Me Down-- Frames
FotografĂ­a-- Juanes feat. Nelly Furtado
Out is Through-- Alanis Morissette
Call and Return (Say That You're into Me)-- Hellogoodbye
Popular Mechanics for Lovers-- Beulah
What About Everything-- Carbon Leaf
Not in this Life-- Natalie Merchant
Lullabye For a Stormy Night-- Vienna Teng

Friday, January 28, 2005

Dear Sleep,

Please come back. I miss you.

Lovingly yours,
Tired of the Awaketude

Tuesday, January 25, 2005

I Am STILL Dying

Yesterday Dem and I had a great email conversation, which I will share for all to see. Consider yourself warned, though. You might die by the end of it (hopefully; my perception is skewed by momentum and the fact that I think Dem is one of the funniest people on the planet so I'm pretty much laughing before I read what she has to say).


From: Me
To: Dem
Subject: Volcano X

I just had a nasty thought about how Volcano X kills black heads and then I thought about Malcom X and wondered if there was anything to be said that wouldn't be racist. I doubt it. This made me think of Reno 911 when Wiegel was very obviously going to say something racist and Jones stopped her, so she switch paths and said, "I was not going to say anything racist, I was going to say something in French. But you interrupted so now I won't. Want to hear it anyway? Au Bon Pain." And then she said something about a dog and it was funny, but I can't find that quote anywhere so that was strictly from memory and therefore filled with holes. I'm Swiss, baby!

That does nothing to lead me to my point, which is: Do you use Volcano-X 1-Day Acne Cream made with Organic Sulfur? Because Eia does and she's nearly out and its hard to find, but I found some and want to know if you need some, too. And that was a whole lotta reading for one silly question, so... Sorry.

Oh! And I don't think I'll be able to talk to Sharla anymore without looking at her REAL boobs. Thanks, Dem!



HAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! That is clever. Way to err on the side of caution re racism, though.

And: HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH. Volcano X. I call it volcanox, like a play on Noxzema. A very weak play. I still have some left, but thank you so much for the kind offer. Where did you find it? I hear that Mother's wasn't delivering the last time Jodster looked.

Did you see that Sharla now has what Leo terms a "commanding lead".

xoxox



Herbal Remedies --Take that, Mother(s). I think this would make a lovely Valentine's day present for Eia, don't you? And just so I'm sure I'm biting correctly: is the correct mispronunciation Vol-Can-Nox?

Sharla is, indeed, kicking ass. I think Bunny and his engineers had a hand in getting her score up there.

SWAK!



I say "vawl-kay-nocks"

Actually, I just changed it. In light of discussion re Sharla, it's now volcaknockers



Volcanox-nox.

Who's there?

The knockers of the Most Jammin' Jam Girl, Sharla.

BaaaaHAHAHAHAHAHA



Bwahhh!

I just died. I'm dead. It was just too funny



It was a murder/suicide. Did we leave a note?



There's an entire e-paper trail. Problem is, any one who reads it will face the same fate. Because it's (wait for it) booby trapped.

HAHAHAHAHAHA



Hooo, boy... if you're still alive-- thanks to any of you who voted yesterday; thanks to Sharla for letting us misuse her chest. Thanks to Eia for acting surprised when you get your oh-so-filled-with-love Valentine. And Dem? Thanks for killing me so often.

Passed to Me in Study Hall

I received this email this morning and rather than paraphrasing, lets just hear what she has to say:

Ok, you are all seriously going to laugh at me, but I am asking you to take about 30 seconds out of your busy lives and go to www.lbjam.com and answer the survey on the left side of the home page that asks "Who's you favorite Jam Girl?" The survey started out innocently enough, but now the rest of the girls are getting all of their friends to go to the site & vote for them.... not to be left out of this junior-high-school-esque game, that's where this email comes in. I can't LOSE the popularity contest!!!!! :)

If you would like to honestly evaluate all of your options before you OF COURSE vote for me :) you can click on "Jam Girls" in the menu right above the survey & go down to the bottom of the page that comes up, where it says "Jam Girls Bios: Get to know your Jammin' Jam Girls!" And yes, it really does say that.

Thank you all so much.

-Sharla

Guys, this is the woman with the ingenuity to make a mojito with Altoids and the balls to actually drink it. And sure, she's winning right now-- quite rightly, but we need your help to make sure she is titled the Jammin'est Jam Girl that Ever Did Jam. So click on over and vote, why don't you?

Oh, and should any of you be curious? She is NOT KIDDING about the Dr Pepper. She and I had a little scenario a while ago involving dinge and scary men and pizza, but nothing would get in the way of Sharla and her DP. No, sir.

Monday, January 24, 2005

Geographology Was Never My Best Subject

This morning in the office there was a question about sending some mail out. I said that the international packages (to England, Canada, etc...) needed special documentation since they were, y'know... International. This caused the debate as to if Canada really fell into that category. As this is the second time we've had this discussion, I'm taking it to you guys--

I'm not crazy, right? Canada is still a separate country from the US isn't it?

Friday, January 21, 2005

Tired is the new Drunk/

See that think at the bottom of this post? The part where it says the time? Go ahead, talke a look. I'll wiat right here.

Iknow!! Can you believe? I'm not making this hsit up. That really is the tiem and I hav now boeen worokign on a presnetatino for school tomorrow afternoon (amd now writing a paper that goes wtih) for the past 7 hors. After I got out o f class, after I left work.

This presenation? Will be done by 4 peopel. The actual presentation? Done by me. Teh power point presentation of all the definitions? Done by another gitrl. The game-- a paoinstaking recreation of all the elements covered by the sectionof book we're doing? Me. the paper? ME. the candy? someone else. But I dont' trust her so 'im bringking some anyaway. The fourth girl is basically showing up and staleing my grade. She better not fuck it up.

The sad pard is that I really can't compalin about doing all this swork becuaus I VOLUNTEERED to do it. Becaiuse I'm pushy and contrloing and wnated it all done right. And I'm the only pwerson who knws how to do that, ever. so says my ego, wriing checks my pbody can't cash. Oy.

I have to finsih this paper now. I'm hot spell checking and all the crappy typing you just read is dueto the fact that It's 4:55 and I'm shaksy and cold.

TGIF

Thursday, January 20, 2005

Getting Hit On

Hudson and I work together and that is fabulous and fun for many reasons, not least of which is that we can take our frustrations and boredom out on each other. Which we do. In the form of punching. And that one time I hip checked her into the fake tree and she fell down, knocking it over in the process, but beautifully maintaining the bottle of water she had in an up-right position. That time was funny. But other than that one time when someone actually had the potential of getting hurt, it's all harmless hitting and round house kicks to the face (a technique I learned in Rex-Kwan Do).

This morning we had a staff meeting and another co-worker brought it up. All in good humor, but she failed to realize that the boss is Captain OverReactor and that created a fuss where no fuss was necessary. While I sat there, tight-lipped, Hudson tried to rationalize it and say that its not really "hitting" hitting and more like 'love pats'. It was a valiant effort... until we were told that we're not in kindergarten. (Oooh, burn on us, huh? FACE!)

And while there was a point to all of this at some time, all I can think to say now is that the spew-mouth best watch her back; these fists of fury have no breaks.

Tuesday, January 18, 2005

Internet Homework Assignment

If anyone happens to have a hi-res picture of the flag of Nepal? I would really, really appreciate you sending it to me. By Thursday afternoon if possible.

Bear in mind that this is going to be a graded task.

Amateur Talent Night

The last time my family ate at Islands, my brother and I each wrote down three phrases on the back of our coasters and these were the only three things we were allowed to say to each other. Shut up, it was fun. Especially when he would hold up his card that said 'Smack my bitch up' when talking about our mom.

This weekend we went back again and had fun composing a song about his poor footwear choices. I've been trying to help him along with this for a while now and he's gotten better, but the boy has some issues when it comes to properly dressing his feets. Sing along if you recognize the tune (and really, you'll recognize the tune):

And I guess that why they call you a tool
time in the g'rage with your stupid half shoes
Tearing up plastic, ripping up metal
wearing dumb white socks, so outta style...
And I guess that why they call you a tool

I know what you're thinking and you're right. It is a shame we don't eat out together more often.

Friday, January 14, 2005

Another Reason I Am Dumb

I could make a list of things I've said and done this week that could show off my dumbassery, but I think this one might be my favorite:

This morning my brother called me to tell me my phone was at my parents house. I told him I figured that out last night because two of my alarms are set on it. He said "Yeah, we know that now, too."

And do you have any idea what I said? Any idea at all?

"Oh yeah. I guess I just didn't think they would go off if I wasn't around."

Thank you and goodnight!

Bah!

This morning I was running late and didn't have time to make/stop for coffee. So, I decided that I would bring a packet of hot chocolate with me and make it at work. The whole drive in I was thinking about it and how good it was going to be-- chocolate for breakfast! And it was with great bounding steps that I got to the kitchen this morning only to find that I didn't bring hot chocolate with me at all. I brought taco seasoning.

Thursday, January 13, 2005

Working Lunch

Beer! At work! And we snuck it like 15 year olds trying not to get caught by our parents.

Because this afternoon we had a retirement luncheon in our office for a guy who doesn't ever eat. But apparently, he drinks. And there was beer. And everyone was afraid to touch it because curse ye who touch the beer in the workplace-- for ye be fired not long after. And then some pirate came. No, that's a lie. But the boss was not looking too favorably on the beer drinking so we had to do it undercover in our blue Solo cups (now contoured for easier handling), huddled in an office, pouring it out and looking over our shoulders.

And the moral of the story is that you should take the office beer when you can. Because not only do you look like the fierce rebel you are, you and your co-workers will have fun! At work! And you will laugh and talk about boys and for a moment, you'll all lose that feeling of being 'at work' and everyone will get along.

We are so lame-- its fabulous!

Tuesday, January 11, 2005

Climb that Mountain High

There are certain people, introduced to me at a young age, for whom I will have an everlasting love: Bastain Bux, Ramona Quimby, and Pete, are a few, and then there's Reba McEntire. She, I will love forever and ever, Amen. And while I'm still clinging white knuckled to anything Beverly Cleary had to do with, it is with a heavy heart that I get rid of the Reba tapes that are warped and outdated.



That, friends, is the last shot before they go out: a leaning tower of Reba, 21 tapes high.

****************************
Confidential to everyone but the side of me that is trying to be responsible and get rid of that which I do not need: I have about 21 more on CD. What sick obsession has brought together, let no man put asunder.

Monday, January 10, 2005

8 Hours. 15 Minutes.

Thats how long I was at home on Saturday, waiting for the cable company to arrive. (Yup, after 3 months of living there, we have decided that life without TV and the Internet really is no life at all.) Allow me to run it down for you...

9:15-- Call the cable company, request a window smaller than the previously given 10am-7pm. No joy. At the end of the conversation, say "well, I think that answers all my questions, thanks." and hear "Okay, do you have any more questions?" in response. Know then that today is going to be fabulous.

9:36-- Pick up computer from my parents' house. Forget important things like 'power cord.' Turn around and go back.

9:54-- Arrive home, frantically unpack computer in the rain.

10:47-- Finish setting up computer. Give myself a pat on the back because nothing exploded and it all seemingly works. Wonder when cable guy will arrive.

11:12-- "Dear cable guy, Everything's ready for you; you just need to show up... anytime now... I'll just be here. Waiting."

11:33-- Discover 'Jose's Eggnog Coffee' is not all it's cracked up to be. Blech.

12:15-- Finish watching Dodgeball. Move on to something more stimulating... Napoleon Dynamite.

1:34-- Wash the windows. Put together a shelf. Twiddle my thumbs for a bit. Discover food is at an all time low and go for the high class PB&J: toasted bread.

1:35-- Burn myself. Fucking toaster.

2:46-- Knock on the door! Not cable guy.

3:18-- Think about vacuuming, opt against it in case I don't hear the doorbell ring.

4:14-- Another knock, also not cable guy. But now Pa's here! Someone new!! Ohh, and he brought a drill and shiny new home things.

4:49-- Finished Princess Diaries 1 & 2 now... really think I need a tiara. Not made out of duct tape. And also cable... aaaaanytime now.

5:58-- Light switches, blinds, bathroom mirrors all installed. Seriously, where the hell is this dude.

6:15-- Cable Guy!! Bouncy bouncy bouncy bouncy...

6:25-- Bathroom and closet shelving installed. Cable guy is on the phone, says something about construction? Missing lines? Choose to ignore it and hope the bad words go away.

6:43-- Cable guy leaves. No cable installed. No Internet installed. No new appointment for installation made.

6:44-- Cry.

6:46-- Beer.

Friday, January 07, 2005

Get Thee to the Fellowship!

Thanks to Holz, I have been introduced to the Perry Bible Fellowship and have been laughing ever since. Check it out-- these comics are hysterical!


Thursday, January 06, 2005

The Good, the Bad, and the Stumbly

Well... that was fun wasn't it? I had a great time yesterday meeting some new folks here and elsewhere, so thanks Sheryl for getting us off our behinds to make the introductions. And money! I will actually pay double for every comment left AND will leave the comments open until that time I send a check.

But, with all of the fun, there was also a bit of bad news yesterday, too: Ollie found out that his infection is back... nicely incubating in his recently-surgeried spine. Yikes. He is back in the hospital for another operational de-bugging and all the doctor can say at this point is "This is NOT good." So, shitshitshit for that.

And, to round out the days activities, I spent 5 minutes on the phone trying to record a message for someone. First off? I don't really like recording myself. Especially when its a number that I have to call and will have to hear myself tell me that this person isn't in. Secondly, something is wrong with my brain-- I did about 20 takes of the recording because I couldn't get 'unavailable' and 'unable' unmixed. What I got was "He is unavel-- shit. (click.)" until a nice 'not able' compromise was reached... and then I gave the incorrect email. Haaaa.

Wednesday, January 05, 2005

Bu-bu-buut... Sheryl started it!



C'mon, guys! Lets go jump off a cliff together! Everyone is doing it and we'll be soo totally outrageously cool! So come out o' the woods old lurkers, and leave me a comment tell me hello even though blogger is a pain in the ass and you hate it, but you love me and you know it.

And, like Sheryl, I will donate a dollar to the tsunami relief for every comment left-- even from the non-lurkies.

Tuesday, January 04, 2005

Getting Ink Done

Hey! My favorite body art studio is having a tattoo sale! (Whoa. That whole sentence just sounds so weird.) So come one, come all and tell me what you think I should get. While you're at it? Sign up to hold my hand while it's gettin' did. Ow.

R-U-D-E C-A-C-T-U-S Spells Relief

Chris has set up a Cafe Press store where all the good folk can buy RC swag and help out the disaster relief efforts in Asia. A visit there is a double dose of goodness as you can smugly Zero Tolerate the Asshats around you for not donating, while feeling good that you helped out yourself.

If you chose not to be a smug donator, check here for other ways to help:
American Red Cross
Unicef
Oxfam
United Nations World Food Programme
Music for Relief
BlogAid

Monday, January 03, 2005

Federal Prison Next Exit/ Do Not Pick Up Hitchhikers

The Phoenix was had, the New Year's was had, but surprisingly, the big beer was un-had. But that was due to the whiskey and champagne. And Guinness. And wine. And maybe, just maybe, a little too much cheese.

**The title for this post is in honor of the very best signage on the drive to Arizona. It narrowly beats out the billboard that reads: "I buy ugly houses!" Good times... good times.