Fresh Baked

Monday, October 04, 2004

Dear Keys,

I never lose you. We're tight, you and I and I have never treated you with anything other than respect. You start my car, you let me into my house; I keep you warm and safe. It's a fair trade, I think. So what was the deal with you this weekend?

We went to work together on Friday, we went to that God-awful 4 HOUR orientation at the school and then we went home. I know I went to dinner without you then, but I promise I missed you a little, and knew I'd come home to get you. You had the key for house where I was dog-sitting. I needed you. And you disappeared. I don't think you realize what that did to me. I panicked. I said Oh, Shit a lot. The key. To the house. Of the dog... Oh. Shit. It's a good thing I paid attention when they told me where the spare was so I could get into the garage. As it was after 10, it was pretty dark to begin with, but the garage? Very dark. Very Are The Lambs Still Screaming, Clarice? I used the light from my cell phone to navigate since I didn't have the little light that is where? Right. On my keychain. And the light hit a LIFESIZE cutout of the homeowner. Ahh! I damn near shat myself. Who has such a thing? See keys? This was frightening business.

I still missed you after that but, truthfully, was a little mad at you, too. I wanted to know where you'd gone off to. I looked everywhere- EV. RY. WHERE. for you. No pockets left unchecked, no trash can left unturned. Coffee grinds and banana peels and all that. No keys. Not even a jingle or clink or clank. You are the Keyser Soze of keys.

Saturday I went back on the key-finding mission, ripping all in sight apart. I held conferences with each of the family members I talked to on Friday. Nobody remembered anything. Finally, I dumped out my purse and searched it for the eleventy billionth time. My Mom? She searched hers, too. Want to guess what she found? A $1,000 bill she meant to give me months ago? NO. You. What the hell is up with that, keys? How'd you get in there? Why'd you run off like that? I'm at a loss for the answers.

Grudgingly admitting that I'm glad you're back,
Louis Tully

ps-- and what did you say to the phone to make it want to run away, too?

(20 points for that last reference. dem? I know you won't let me down)