Fresh Baked

Thursday, September 30, 2004

Warning: Due to Graphic Material...

I have this friend. And I love her to pieces, you understand. She's clever and sweet but she's also... well, she can be a little odd. Like the time she gave me a Make Your Own Mud kit for Christmas-- a shoebox with a ziplock bag of water and another of dirt. Or when she put on a nude body suit at Halloween and strutted around as the Emperor (in his new clothes). Or when she announced that her only goal after college was to drive the Weinermobile (sidenote: who knew you have to have a college degree to drive the weinermobile?) (sidenote, part two: she would have been the most awesome person for this job, but alas, she chose another path). Or that one time? At band camp? Lets not even get started on that one...

This friend is about to become a Mama. I am ever so thrilled for her. But now she is at it again. Back at the odd, I mean. Every week, she emails a group of friends a link like this. And I'm not sure how to take it. My first reaction? Oh God! Ick! But now, after a few weeks, I've gotten over the worst of it and am excited for her. But still? This is weird. Almost too weird for her, even. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that she'll switch to exterior shots soon.

Monday, September 27, 2004

One Day Off Isn't Enough

So, I told a co-worker that I'm going back to school and we talked about my schedule and how it will effect work, etc. I told her that I thought I was going to work and school full time and be run off my feet. Know what she said? "Well, at least you'll lose some weight." FUCK. THAT.

To counter this, I would like to tell you about the phone call I just got. It would seem that the sex machine isn't working. Okay, not really. But one of the gentlemen I work with has a very heavy accent, so when he says things like fax, it doesn't always sound right... I had to hang up on him rather than laugh in his ear.

Friday, September 24, 2004

Oh What A Beautiful Moooooornin'

Martha's hitting the clink, but Good Things still abound, such as:

- I am not at work today!

- The meeterview from the other night was for school admission, not a job. I had another last night and this time? I was accepted! YAAAAAAYYYY!

- I am not at work today!!

- My sister, best friend, and soon-to-be roommate-- she of the globe-trotting variety, returns home today. TODAY! In, like, 2 hours!! For good this time!

-
I am not at work today!!!

Hope everyone's day is just as great-- or greater! or Greatest even!

Wednesday, September 22, 2004

Ass Kicking, Hookers, and Tears

First: You guys kick ass. I was so bothered by not knowing the end of the song in that last post that I woke up singing it... even my subconscious cared.

Second: Yay for Chip and Kim!! I was so excited to see them win. And yay for new Gilmore Girls! But BOO! for Rory who is a nasty, skanky, stupid ho. I have started a club called, "Fuck Rory. Dean Already Has... and He's Married!!" Amalah has suggested the uniforms be "sparkly tiaras with her picture on them and a big old X over her snooty little face." Which I can totally get behind. Anyone else want in??

Third: I had a meeting last night that, by the the end, had become a full-blown interview. Now, interviews and I have never gotten because, well... I cry in them. Really. And as soon as I realized that this 'meeting' was really a 1.5 hour interview? I got all teary and my face flushed and oh, it was NOT good. But everyone be proud of me because I was thisclose to letting those babies fall and managed to hold them in. Yay! And, other than that rather embarrassing moment, I kicked ass.

Tuesday, September 21, 2004

Help!!

All together now...

Miss Suzie had a steam boat
the steamboat had a bell (ding ding)
Miss Suzie went to heaven
the steamboat went to hell-
o, operator,
please give me number nine
and if you disconnect me
I'll cut off your behind
the frigerator, there lay a piece of glass
Miss Suzie sat upon it and broke
her little ask me no more question
please tell me no more lies
the boys are in the bathroom
zipping up their flies
are in the meadow,
the bees are in the hive

... and here's where I lose it. Does someone know what comes next?

Also, help me fill in the blank-- I know you can, because you're just that smart:

Say, say, oh playmate,
come out and play with me
and bring your dollies three
climb up my apple tree
slide down my rainbow
into my ________ door
and we'll be jolly friends
forever more, more, shut the door
turn off the light and say good night.

Quick Question

Its nearly 11, I've forgotten my breakfast, and am staaaaaarving. Can I have chocolate?

Monday, September 20, 2004

Helpful Household Hints

463: Ink will take the sting out of a burn.

464: Try oven mitts next time.

Friday, September 17, 2004

Somebody's Home, But the Lights Are Pretty Dim

This afternoon, I had a to make a trip to the back of my department office and decided that since I was getting up, I would take a few other things with me to drop off on the way. Brill, no? One such item was the MASTER KEY to all the rooms and buildings owned by our department, which is kept closely guarded (except for those few times we lost it) in a file cabinet in a co-workers office. A co-worker who had left and locked her door behind her. Oh, no! I thought. How will I ever get this MASTER KEY into that office without having to go back to get my keys to open this locked door that stands between me and this MASTER KEY's home? I had started back to my desk when I realized, hello!-- I still have all these other things in my hands; put them in their places and then come back to get the key. Duh.

Other stuff put away, I sat down at the desk with the MASTER KEY still in hand. I have, at this point, completely forgotten about putting it away because I have undiagnosed-by-anyone-other than-my-own-self ADD. And, it's Friday. Also, I have forgotten what it was I got up for in the first place. 3 minutes later, I figure it out and start back up. Walking by the locked door blocking me from my MASTER KEY return, I go through an identical thought-process and vow to remember this time. Original task completed, I go for my keys. Hey, I remembered! As I reached out to grab them, it hit me. The MASTER KEY. It can unlock any door in the department. Even that one. Good grief.

Wednesday, September 15, 2004

My Work Threw Us A Safari And All I Got Was This Dumb Post (and a business idea)

Giraffe visor? Check. Pith Helmet? Pithy! Forced enthusiasm? Rrrowrr. Airbrushed tiger pants? Use your imagination, and believe me when I say CHECK! Whats this mean? The safari staff picnic is OVAH!

And this here is my version of a recap, courtesy of my friends Her and IM:

Me:
hi
Her: hi
Me: okay the best part?
Me: was the banana eating contest
Me: when all the people in the crowd kept yelling to this woman "swallow!! swallow!!" as she deep throated them
Her: wow. so how many did you eat?
Me: haha.
Me: she ate 6
Me: and beat out this guy who was making a lot of noise about how he'd be the best
Me: by a whole banana at least
Her: gross
Me: pretty much
Her: what else happened
Me: uuhh... Tarzan and Jane yelling contests, volleyball game, African dance lessons, cold food...
Her: weird
Her: when did you start working at Disneyland?
Me: no kidding.

(long pause for work and all, but here comes one of the best business ideas ever-- USPS take note!)

Me: i'm still doing my cds every month and have some for you... but i'm really bad at getting to the post office
Her: oh my gosh i am the worst at that
Her: and I have two post offices in my building
Me: HA
Her: I sort of wish I didn't just tell you that
Me: no-- its a post office... not really a super destination
Her: totally
Her: I mean if it was like the Bahamas for example instead of being the post office, you might be more tempted to go
Her: even if there is a line
Me: or if you knew you'd get free drinks once you got there
Her: oh now that is a great idea
Me: like there was a margarita machine at the door
Her: and chips and salsa
Me: and people feeding you grapes
Her: and tequila shots
Me: which are voluntary, because otherwise, you lost me
Her: wait a second, grapes don't go with our theme
Me: i know, but i like grapes
Her: okay well there will be one line for people like you who get grapes and then there will be one line for my peeps which will have tequila shots
Her: naturally my line will be longer but we'll be drunk so it won't matter
Her: oh how about in the mailtrucks
Her: they can "deliver" you so to speak
Her: with your mail which is convenient
Me: like pink dot
Me: and they'll bring you french fries and shakes at about 2am
Her: i love it

We're writing our proposal right now... think it'll work?

Tuesday, September 14, 2004

Adult Prom: September 2004

Now, before we get started... this album is very confusing and don't think I don't know it. If anyone wants a copy? You're very brave. I'll send it out as soon as the dizzying stops.

Walkie Talkie Man -
Steriogram
A Favor House Atlantic - Coheed & Cambria
Throw it All Away - Default
Rollover DJ - Jet
Only One - Yellowcard
Make A Move - Lost Prophets
Somebody Told Me - The Killers
Ride - The Vines
Pavement Tune - Frames
How to Be Dead - Snow Patrol
Dare You to Move - Switchfoot
Fall to Pieces - Velvet Revolver
Holding Out For A Hero - Frou Frou*
Apron Strings -
Everything But the Girl
Heart of Mine - Peter Salett
Man of the Hour - Pearl Jam
My Stupid Mouth - John Mayer
Tiger Lily- Matchbook Romance
Left of Center - Suzanne Vega
(I Wish I Knew How It Would Feel to Be) Free/One - Lighthouse Family
Sitting Down Here - Lene Marlin
Sheila Take A Bow - The Smiths

* in case you needed more reasons to love Frou Frou, check out Sarcomical's encounter.

Mostly Random and Very Stupid...

These things pop into my head sometimes and make me happy. Care for a sampling?
  • My sister was working on a research paper yesterday and when I talked to her she told me all the things she had done in the morning to put off-- made coffee, read the paper, watched TV, talked to friends... The paper topic? Motivation.
  • The phrase: "You ain't got no B.D. Wong, son!" (best said yelled)
  • Pa picked up an old Lottery ticket and discovered he'd won $1300. Kick down, daddy!
  • Melina Kanakaredes, whose show I will watch, based solely on the fact that I like saying her name. (Is that wrong?)
  • I have moments of smart, such as when I was able to figure out the lazy way to link my pictures. (Check out the Jelly Beans on the right)
  • That is, literally, a foot of chocolate. And it's all MINE.
  • And, quite possibly the best happy-maker: Eia, my other sister, is coming home after months and months and months of awayness in 10 days. Count 'em... T-E-N. Yay!
There they are, folks. Random and stupid (I've said it so you don't have to). Hope you enjoyed.

Saturday, September 11, 2004

Toes in the Water

I woke up this morning and thought: "I'm going to pull that last entry down." But in reading it over, I recognized that that was exactly how I felt last night and taking it down would invalidate those feelings. So it's there. And I appreciate all your kind words and phone calls. Thank you.

I'm doing much better today. I had my freak-out and was able to sleep most of it off. My brother, who rarely, if ever, reads this site, asked me this morning if I'd like to go kayaking with him. Haaaaaaa. We're going tomorrow.

Friday, September 10, 2004

Unbraving the Rapids

I was in a kayaking class once when a friend got caught in the branches of a low-hanging tree. She couldn't free herself and was starting to panic. I remember feeling that I had to get to her. I had to help to her. The rapids were pushing me into the branches so in pushing her free, I got caught. And then I capsized. It happened so quickly, though now it plays out slowly, so I can remember how frightened I was and how I couldn't think of what to do at first. Then survival-mode kicked in; I released my spray-deck and surfaced.

Getting my first breath of air was incredible. And then I was hit by another kayak. I was stunned and shaken. Catching my breath, I swam to get my kayak and then up to the embankment. The lesson for the day, how to go down a rapid, was still coming up and I was reeling. When it was my turn, and as I made it down, the instructor grabbed the nose of my kayak and tipped it back so I was held under the fall. Water slammed down on me, heavy. Suffocating.

I'm back in that place now. As I type my hands are shaking. There is a tightening in my throat and tears are threatening. I have felt the weight of it coming on all week-- little things that should roll away are sticking and building up. There's a drop ahead but I can't seem to get at it head-first and I don't know that I'll be able to paddle out without getting sucked under.

Thursday, September 09, 2004

Are You Kidding Me?

Praise and thanksgiving to dem i am:

There are Fresh Baked Beans made with Dr Pepper!!

Mana from Heaven now wrapped in BBBBEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNSSS!

Being and Becoming

Myrna Loy is the star of the month on TCM for September. Which is why they aired ALL SIX Thin Man movies last night. This made me very happy, indeed, because these movies? Are AWESOME. Agree or perish.

And, since we're (I'm) on the topic of TV... My fingers are crossed that the rumors are true and that Joey won't suck. And that The Apprentice will remain Omarosa-free but have an equally love-to-hate cast member that I will... um, love to hate.

Wednesday, September 08, 2004

Safari Njema!

Blogger is being a bitch. Most of us kinda knew that, but just to make it perfectly clear, that last post? Had to be written 3 times because the 'save as draft' was working as well as the 'publish post' button. And because I'm not so quick on the uptake sometimes.

Onward...

I have multiple email accounts but the one I use for work is my favorite, because it has the chilli 'Mood Watch Status' to let me know when the message I'm sending is too spicy. Words like 'tongue' get highlighted for offensiveness, regardless of context. This morning, because of the many lost drafts, I copied all the text from blogger into eudora and sent it to my gmail account. (But not without being warned that my message "is the sort of thing that might get your keyboard washed out with soap, if you get my drift.") That email has yet to arrive. I then assumed it was because of the 3 chilli warning and decided to send myself something a bit more tame to see if that'd go through:
loving in my babies eyes, left over salmon
i dare you to move, switchfoot
fall to pieces, velvet revolver
only once, yellowcard

make a move, lost prophets
throw it all away, default
rollover d.j., jet

No subject or any other information other than this... which I sent to all my
BOSSES instead of myself. Hiya!! Jackass? Yes, that is my name. Fortunately, they tend not to read email from me anyway. Fingers are crossed... (for the curious, that was a list of potential tunes for my as-yet un-named September CD.)

And, on the topic of work email, I will share the highlights of my favorite one from today:


Dear African Adventurers,

The trip of a lifetime is going to happen next Wednesday September 15. Your exotic journey to the wilds awaits...

While zebras mill at a watering hole alongside trumpeting elephants stained red from the dusty plains, you will feast on a gourmet lunch.

Follow the thundering herds across the Serengeti where predators and prey can feast on a hearty meal and seek respite from a long day in the hot dry heat. The hunt was most successful this season. Come ready to eat an elephant! The menu will be fit for a king - a lion king, that is!

Start working on your best roar, get in touch with your animal magnetism and bring your wild spirit out to the grasslands for... WILD SPIRITS SAFARI.

Safari njema! (Have a good trip)

I am... wordless... at the lengths people are going to for this picnic. Since it is all for the staff, I won't complain, but damn if I'm not laughing.

Why I Hate Febreze

When I finished college, two of my friends and I took off to live in Ireland. (No words will ever, ever, EVER adequately express how wonderful it was to live and work in the country my parents were born and raised. At least not the words that aren't accompanying pictures and copious amounts of Guinness.) Living in Ireland left a lasting impression on me, as you could imagine it would. For a long time afterward, I referred to things as I had learned them there, complete with brogue-- elevators were lifts, cigarettes were fags, and when you asked for a pint, you got Guinness. Another thing that has stayed with me since then is a great aversion to Febreze.

On our third day there, I went looking for work. There I was, in a different country, looking for a job, hoping that somebody, anybody, would hire me even though I was a Mick in Yank's clothing... and the only job I could get after 3 MONTHS of searching was catering a seafood and champagne bar at the Galway Races. For a week, I woke at an unreasonable hour, walked into the city center station, took the bus to the track, handed out plates of shrimp, muscles, salmon, and all their other underwater friends to owners and trainers of the horses. Then, after lunching on a well balanced meal of sausage and brown bread, I plopped out more fish, returned to the bus, walked back to the apartment, and fell my ass asleep.

The glitch in this system is this: hocking seafood all day makes you STANKY. The laundromats had closed by the time I got off the bus, wouldn't be open before I left in the morning, and since the washer/dryer in our apartment was beyond mortal comprehension I had very few choices. Fuckity-fuck fuck. I did the best thing I could think of: I febrezed the shit out of that shirt. I sprayed it to death and then hung it out on the balcony overnight, every night for a week. Imagine that-- 6 days worth of salmon, spilt champagne and stink, piling up on top of one another, clamoring to be the first to assault my nose... to say the least, it does NOT smell good. So, when I saw the commercial for Febreze Scent Stories-- it plays! Like a CD!! 5 different scents in 2.5 hours!, I felt a little sick to my stomach. I cannot imagine these horrors unleashed.

Sunday, September 05, 2004

Only 3 Easy Payments of $39.99!!

Hey guys! Whatcha doin', huh? Huh? HUH? Anyone want to go in on a pyramid scam with me? Or watch City of Angels even though its a crap movie? Or get 6 second abs? Hey-- where is everyone? Why isn't anyone playing with me?

I'm sure it has nothing to do with the fact that its 4am and I still wide awake when all the sane people are in bed. Nope,
nopenopenopenope...



I'm blaming these babies. My great plan to get off them so I can be, oh, I don't know... AWAKE for more than 6 hours at a time has backfired so that now I can't sleep at all.

And see that one in front that kinda looks like a screw and is larger than the others? I'm really blaming that one the most because it has NO BUSINESS being in that bottle. How'd it get there? Did it have any big and screwy friends that I might have already eaten? What'll it do to me if I did? Will it enhance my penis? Help me remember things better? Increase weight loss? Keep me up for hours and hours and hours? OH! The Magic Bullet Blender
Infomercial just came back on-- gotta go!!

Thursday, September 02, 2004

Love You, But Mostly, Love You Not

On Monday? Rear-ender. No love.

On Tuesday? Paperwork, doctors, and x-rays. No love again.

On Wednesday? Not nearly enough pain pills in the entire world. (A word about the muscle relaxants: They are knocking me out. I slept for 13 hours last night and still feel absolutely wiped.) No love once more.

On Thursday? Back to the dentist... Yes, in case I didn't feel badly enough, I went in for a cleaning/check-up* this morning. Had more X-rays and, what better? A cavity!! Which I got filled right then and there, enduring that God-awful needle they use to numb the area. (Having had my tongue pierced 3 times, I have accepted needles to a point-- this particular dental needle is muchly past that point.) Lots of no love.

I also went to Starbucks this morning and was given a tall drink when I ordered a grande. End result? My new best friend and barista sent me away with both drinks. I love him. Love! Finally!!

Someone I don't love is the cashier at Baja Fresh (and it pains me to say this because the Fresh and I are usually tight). I specifically asked for flour tortillas. At least 4 times because I didn't think he was listening. The last time I checked, wee Guillermo informed me that all the tacos are flour tortilla'd. Even though I knew he was wrong, I held my tongue. So when the order came up guess what it had? Fucking CORN tortillas. Hate, Guillermo, HATE. Can you feel it? Definitely NO LOVE.

*I just realized that I didn't let you know what the mystery gum problem was. It seems that the bone never reformed after the wisdom teeth were removed and now there is a gap there where food particles can have a party. This, in turn, causes the gums to swell, thus trapping everything in there. I had to be anesthetized for the removal of said party particles and slobbered and slurred a great part of the day. My favorite part was when my new dentist figured out that I hadn't ever been to anyone but my pediatric and kept telling me how sorry he was that my first encounter with him was "so traumatic." And we're back to the love...

Wednesday, September 01, 2004

Pain: the recap

Angelina in an eye patch? AArrrrrrgggg!!

And this movie? AAAAhhhhh!! Make them stop!!

Phew... glad I got that off my chest. Now, on to the bigger and not necessarily better:

Thanks for all your niceys on my last post. This whole accident thing is turning out to be a pain in the ass as well as the back. I did, indeed, catch the hitter's license plate number as they sped away and copied it down immediately since I am among those who keep post-its in their car. I filed a report with the CHP yesterday morning and then went on to the doctor's for a look-see. Mostly, its just the muscles all pissed off, but I was sent for an X-ray anyway because she wanted to be sure my spine wasn't fractured. Uhhh... 'scuzi? I love it when my doctor does this because it tends to freak me right the hell out. Also? She prescribed me some muscle relaxants... WARNING: Will MOST CERTAINLY cause drowsiness.

An hour later, I was lying on a table without a bra or pants (?!) and prepped by some radiologist who thinks his shit is the hottest and who, sadly, reminds me of Dr. Sean Bush, MD, FACEP, from the Venom ER. And while he was giving me the good news that there are no fractures to be seen, he was making like Tommy Lee on the x-ray table, sending a shockwave to the epicenter of my pain with every hit. By the time I had built up some rage (I had to work through confusion and then disbelief) he stopped. Which was good because, Hello? OW! Knock it off! but I kinda wish he'd continued because I had some pent-up ire to display on his ass.

So that's the beginning of what will certainly become a Much Larger pain in the ass. Keep your fingers crossed that everything will get sorted out without too much drama.