Fresh Baked

Thursday, August 05, 2004

Chipmunk Cheeks

It was the summer of '97 and I was just a youngster, getting ready to go off to college and flash my pearly whites, fresh from their trials with braces and those God-awful rubber bands. I was back on gum! Corn on the cob! Soda out of the can and not the straw! And then... the wisdom tooth conversation. They had to go. My teeth were too pretty and expensive to risk the possibility of future jacking. I put up a minor protest, consisting of a lot of stuttering 'but, but, but...' and in the end, knowing it was a wasted effort, I reconciled myself to the operation.

At the consultation, I was told that only one side of my mouth had any incoming teeth for the operation. One side. Lefty McWisdom. And one of the teeth hadn't actually fallen, so they were going to take a hammer and crack it, then vacuum up the pieces. Uhh... 'scuzi? Hammers and vacuums in my MOUTH? What the hell was going on here?

The operation was suupah fast and when I woke up, the first thing I did was ask for my teeth. I slept a lot, watched bad movies, and was instructed to drink a lot of ensure like any good 80-year-old should. ("For your health, dear. No, for our health." Gah!! I still remember that shit?!) After a day or so I was back up and running and since my cousin was in town I got to go to Disneyland and Hollywood and Sea World... on drugs. Yay!!

It was on the trip to Hollywood that I pulled a seriously boneheaded move. For whatever reason, we had gotten into a conversation on the best ways to flip someone off. You have your standard out-of-the-pocket "Hey I got something for you" but I preferred to be a bit more creative-- I wanted the Thinking Man's bird. So I demonstrated 'the balloon.' Here's what you do: make a fist; put the knuckle of your thumb up to your lips; as you make huffy-puffy noises, slowly open your hand until your middle finger is all the way up and you're flipping the person off. Super funny to do, especially when you over-exaggerate the blowing as I did. Which is always a good idea when you have STITCHES HOLDING THE BACK OF YOUR MOUTH TOGETHER. I busted a stitch. Which actually could have been damn funny if it weren't for the screaming pain that had clawed its way through the Vicodin and was then throwing a tantrum in my face. Yeah. I'll take OOOOOOOWWWWWW, The Paaaaaiiiiiiin for $1200, Alex.

And the point of me telling you all of this is for me to say that I think I'm cutting a new tooth. If that's even possible. Yesterday, I started feeling some pain in the wisdom-toothal area of my mouth and got a sinking suspicion that it was the beginnings of a new adventure in dentistry-- my favorite!! Don't you worry, though-- I'll be sure to let you know what develops and how I was able to cause myself more pain by being stupid. You can hardly contain yourselves, I know.